


Spectur

by tsradust



Category: Stardew Valley (Video Game)
Genre: Anyways, But he thinks everyone hates him, Caldere loves ghosts, Everyone is P gay, F/F, F/M, Gay Panic, Gen, Ghosts, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, How Do I Tag, I Don't Even Know, I have good ideas but sometimes they're hard to execute, Like he goes around and sexually confuses everyone bc he's cute and ambiguous, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Multi, Or atleast I'll try to include everyone, Other, Pansexual Character, So the main character wears clothes that aren't 'meant' for his gender I guess, We'll see if I even finish this, Which is stupid bc it's just cloth, cross dressing, debatable self-harm, i probably didnt do this right, idk - Freeform, lmao why do I hate my characters, pretty much everyone in the game here, so much, so uh thats it, there'll be a lot of mentions of ghosts mainly, you feel?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-19
Updated: 2017-04-05
Packaged: 2018-08-09 17:14:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7810429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsradust/pseuds/tsradust
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So uh, pretty much I'm trash, and decided to make a full life story of my farmer that I made haha... ha...<br/>I lowkey fell in love with him and thought that his background that I made for him wasn't represented enough in the game, and the idea that I can't really follow through with relationships up to a specific point really bugs me, so I decided to fix it I guess...<br/>Caldere is a pretty sad kid who likes to wear skirts and make flower crowns but everyone makes fun of him, and his grandpa died and he got a farm, see what happens next<br/>(I'm not apologizing for this summery, I had this amazing one but ao3 wouldn't stop being a douche about it and not letting me post even though it was under the character limit!!!)</p>
<p>Watch this sad cutie go around being all self loathing because that's apparently all I'm good at writing ¯\_(ツ)_/¯</p>
<p>~~Indefinite Hiatus~~</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The skirt was a bad idea

**Author's Note:**

> It probably sucks idk, I low-key hope no one reads this rip

Seven years ago was the last time I spoke to my grandfather. I should’ve fought more, the petty feud between him and my father really tore us apart. And of course it was about me.

As I stand in front of him now, I can see how time has abused him. His arms barely move, his eyes only opening for a few seconds at a time, but I can tell they’re milky and unfocused. His voice is raspy and sounds painful. I barely realize as he hands me an envelope, the back beautifully made up with his ancient wax press that I’d seen him use only once before.

“No no, don’t open it yet.” I look up from the wax, to see him looking at me for the first time. “Now, listen close… There will come a day when you feel crushed by the burden of modern life… and your bright spirit will fade before a growing emptiness. When that happens, my boy, you’ll be ready for this gift…” Tears fill my eyes, and I look down. “Now, let grandpa rest…” I feel my father’s hand on my shoulder, roughly pulling me away, and I don’t dare disobey. Although, before I lose sight of grandpa completely, I allow one small sob to release my mouth, before I close my mouth, and leave.

 

Seventeen years ago was the second to last time I spoke to my grandfather. I remember the day clearly. It was the first time I was mistook for a girl. It was also the first time I’d been called a ‘fag’. Seven years old is a young age to try and understand all the hate the world has in it. Especially from one’s own father. That’s the main reason my grandfather was cut off. He tried to defend me, saying a boy could wear whatever he wanted to. It was just cloth, wasn’t it?

I made up with my dad long ago. He finally realized the impact of his words, and tried to accept me. Too bad it was too late. Our relationship has been awkward and forced ever since then, with my dad always trying to watch his words around me. Old habits die hard.

I remember times, long ago, when my grandfather would set me down and tell me stories of when he worked on a farm. Sheep and rabbits were the main thing he raised, and cloth was his specialty. I never learned a lot about that farm. It seems as if it’s a sore spot for him. But whenever he tried to cheer me up, and tell me that who I was—who I am—is okay, he would tell me stories of a simple life. A life where everyone was accepting of each other. I doubt it’s the same today, but sometimes the past is happier to live in than the future.

I shake my head, trying to look busy as my boss comes by with a large, artificial smile. Artificial, just like the products we make here… I take a deep breath and blink hard, my shoulders shaking a bit as I release the breath. What am I doing here?

I look around, barely any colors other than grey or blue. And not a pleasant blue. The most in-your-face blue that’s physically possible. It somehow hurts your eyes but also seems dull at the same time. I ball my fists and pinch my eyes shut, the pressure of it making a few stray tears leak out, before I open my eyes and look down at my drab clothes, feeling ready to burst into tears.  If grandpa were here—wait. I throw open my desk and look down at the letter I’d kept for so long.

‘ _… your bright spirit will fade before a growing emptiness… you’ll be ready for this gift…_ ’

I shakily grab the letter, almost scared that it’s a dream. My fingers reach under the seal, barely having to apply force at all; the heat of the endless computers filling the room with a stuffy heat, softening the wax.

‘ _Dear Caldere,_ ’

I stop after that first sentence, shocked at seeing my full name for the first time in… A while. I’ve been forced to go by Cal for so long, it seems like the name my mother thoughtfully gave me is little more than a distant memory.

I continue reading, already feeling better than I had moments before.

‘ _If you’re reading this, you must be in dire need of a change._

_The same things happened to me, long ago. I’d lost sight of what mattered most in life…_

_Read connections with other people and nature. So I dropped everything and moced to the place I truly belong._

_I’ve enclosed the deed to that place… my pride and joy: Spectur Farm_ ’

I smile at that. Back when grandpa used to tell me the stories of his farm, I once asked what his farm was called. He smiled gently and asked me what I wanted it to be called. Even as a child, I was always odd, so of course I’d go and name it something to do with ghosts. Once I made a picture of the farm, with me and grandpa in it, with the sign above, ‘ ** _Spectur Farm!_** ’.

And he kept it. Wrong spelling and all.

‘ _It’s located in Stardew Valley, on the southern coast. It’s the perfect place to start your new life._

_This was my most precious gift of all, and now it’s yours. I know you’ll honor the family name, my boy. Good luck._

_Love, Grandpa_ ’

I turn the letter around, and smile a bit through teary eyes at the continued writing.

‘ _P.S. If Lewis is still alive say hi to the old guy for me, will ya?_ ’

I look back into the envelope and pull out the deed, with my grandpas signature on the bottom, the only thing left is a place for my signature.

I look around, trying to decide if I should actually do this.

The only other things inside are a smaller envelope, and a card with a number and address on it.

I look back to the smaller envelope, and open it. After so long, the glue has practically dissolved, so it comes open with minimum effort. Inside is a check for 500G. My eyes widen, unprepared for something like that.

I flip the envelope over, trying to find some sort of explanation.

‘To help you start out…’

I shake my head and sniff, not thinking twice before stuffing everything back in the envelope and running out the door, not looking back. This is the day my life will change for the better.

 

I sit in the bus, already feeling antsy for being cramped for so long.  After running out of my job, I called the number on the card and found it was the person my grandpa was talking about, Lewis. I told him about the deed and that I’d be showing up there soon. The expression of his voice was like someone just told him he’d won the lottery. I spent two weeks packing everything up and tying up loose ends. I did tell my father where I was going, and he seemed happy for me. Ten years really does a lot to someone. It’s still quite awkward, but somehow I feel as if I’ll miss him.

Anyways, a bus. Apparently the place I’m going is so small that it doesn’t have an airport… So I’ve had to be on this bus for 6 hours so far. I sigh and nervously look down at the outfit I chose. I thought it was pretty when I first put it on, but now I’m starting to regret it… What if people judge me? It’s been years since I wore a skirt or dress in public, because last time… Didn’t go so well…

Maybe I can just quickly get to the farm without seeing anyone, and change. What was I thinking, wearing something like this?

I start breathing a little faster, but try to control it, tears pricking my eyes as I chastise myself in my head.

I only snap out of it when the bus driver shouts that we’re at Stardew Valley. I jump from my seat and try to get to the front as fast as I can, stumbling and hitting a few people with my luggage in the process. I keep my head down, my face beat red as I thank the driver and get out.

“Hello!” I almost drop everything as I snap my head up and see a woman with red hair and a kind smile. “You must be Caldere.”

I freeze up and can do nothing but nod. She smiles again and laughs a bit at my behavior. “I’m Robin, the local carpenter. Mayor Lewis sent me here to fetch you and show you the way to your new home. He’s there right now, tidying things up for your arrival.”

I breath out a bit, a little calmer after she explained herself. I smile a bit back and she takes some of my luggage, in fact the case I had in front of me, hiding my attire. I freeze up, expecting to be laughed at, but she doesn’t even mention it as she waves me over and starts walking. “The farm’s right over here, if you’ll follow me.”

After a bit of walking, we finally make it to a small, adorable house in the middle of nowhere. The outside has vines and flowers crawling up and along the sides, and I can’t help but think how beautiful it is. That is, until Robin starts speaking again. “This is Spectur farm.”

I turn to where she’s looking and at that moment, my mouth and eyes become the same size. “Uhh…”

She looks over, a humored look on her face. “What’s the matter? Sure, it’s a bit overgrown, but there’s some good soil underneath that mess!” She smiles. “With a little dedication you’ll have it cleaned up in no time.” I sigh and nod, turning to her a smiling bashfully at my display before following her to the door of the old cottage. “… And here we are, your new home.”

I jump a bit as the door opens suddenly and an old man with a cap and suspenders steps out. “Ah, the new farmer! He practically barrels down the stairs and steps next to me, grabbing my hand, also seemingly unbothered by my outfit. “Welcome!” His voice shocks me out of my revere, and I can help but smile. “I’m Lewis, Mayor of Pelican Town.” So this was the man I talked to on the phone? “You know; everyone’s been asking about you. It’s not every day that someone new moves in. It’s quite a bit deal!” I freeze a bit, my face turning bright red and he laughs. Everyone? As in, everyone knows about me? Hopefully there aren’t too many people here… I purse my lips and nod, awkwardly stepping back a bit. Lewis seems to notice my discomfort and tries to change the subject. “So… You’re moving into your grandfather’s old cottage...” He coughs a bit and I look up to take in the entirety of the house. “It’s a good house… very ‘rustic’.”

Robin laughs and I’m immediately thankful for the break of silence. It was almost unbearably awkward.  “Rustic? That’s one way to put it… ‘Crusty’ might be a little more apt though.”

Lewis turns around to her and folds his arms, looking playfully upset. “Rude!” Robin giggles at his tone, and turns around so she’s not looking at him anymore. “Don’t listen to her, Caldere. She’s just trying to make you dissatisfied so that you buy one of her house upgrades.”

His joking tones gets through to her as she spins back around and looks affronted before simply crossing her arms and ‘hmmph’ing.

“Anyways… You must be tired from the long journey. You should get some rest. Tomorrow you ought to explore the town a bit and introduce yourself. The townspeople would appreciate that.” I nod at this idea, smiling.

“Thank you, I’m happy to be here…”

He looks pleased as he walks away, before stopping again next to a large wooden crate. “Oh, I almost forgot. If you have anything to sell, just place it in this box here. I’ll come by during the night to collect it.” I make a mental note to do exactly that and not try to think too hard about what ‘coming by during the night’ entails or says about him, and nod thankfully. “Well… Good luck!”

Robin smiles and walks past me, following him back into town. I quickly make my way inside and smile a bit at the small minimalist décor, placing my bags and cases to the side to get to tomorrow. Lewis was right, I am exhausted. The last thing I remember that night is passing out in my bed, smiling a bit at the sound of a breeze and birds, no cars or people yelling. Soon, I’m fast asleep.

 

The next morning, I stretch and wake up, noticing some sort of package in the middle of the floor as I roll over. I freeze, immediately suspicious. I walk over slowly, my bare feet sliding against the wooden floor.

A package of… What are these? It’s a small, off white package, with a yellow vegetable of some kind on the front. It looks kind of like a carrot I guess? I hold them up to the light and see seeds inside. I drop them and smack myself on my forehead. Duh, of course it’s seeds, I’m a farmer now. I sigh and pull out the note that was inside of the box.

‘Here’s a little something to get you started.  
-Mayor Lewis’

I pause, looking at the note like it personally offended me as I purse my lips. So the mayor wasn’t kidding about coming to my farm in the middle of the night I guess. I didn’t realize he meant coming into my house though. Man, I’m gonna need to get some locks installed in this place… I wonder if Robin’s ‘house upgrades’ come with some…

I shake my head, cautiously open the door and peek out, making sure no one is outside, and shut the blinds on the window before I take off my clothes from yesterday and get dressed.

By the time I actually get up the courage to wear what I want to, it’s been two hours and it’s eight o’clock. I shakily take a breath and smooth out my skirt before stepping out the door, cheering up a bit at the sight that greets me. Sure it’s horrendous and going to take so much work, but I’m here. I’m no longer working for Joja. I hope everyone accepts me…

I lick my lips, before setting out on the path towards town. This is it. The first day of my new life! Oh… This is terrifying.

My eyes widen as I see the town approaching and I stop on the path, leaning against a tree to calm myself. It’s okay. You’re okay. If no one likes you, you can just get Robin to build a giant fence around your farm and pay the creepy mayor to bring you food. Yeah, that’ll be nice. You can bathe in that pond and become friends with butterflies. That doesn’t sound too bad, right?!

I look up and realize I’ve been talking to myself in my head for about ten minutes. Smooth first day.

I breath out determinedly and ball my fists, striding towards the town with a confidence that doesn’t make any sense.

_You just threw away your old life you moron, you decided to live in a town that doesn’t show up on most maps and on a farm that looks more like the next stop for a hurricane relief group, you’re probably going to get murdered here!!!_

Ignoring the logical (albeit paranoid) part of my brain, I keep going until I find myself standing at the edge of town, looking in on the small buildings. It’s pretty… pleasant.

_That’s what they want you to think, run now! While you still have all your limbs!_

Heh, maybe if I die, I’ll become a ghost and it’ll make Spectur Farm make more sense.

_Fine, I’m not helping you anymore, good luck being someone’s lunch!_

I sigh and continue walking, making a mental note to work on not talking to myself anymore. Looking around, I notice the town seems quite empty at this moment. Maybe it’s my lucky—?

Never mind, spoke too soon. As I turn a corner, I notice two people sitting on a bench, and someone who’s staring into some fenced in area.

I subtly try to move back before I’m noticed, but it’s all for naught as one of the girls sitting on the bench catches my attention.

“Oh!” She rushes over to me and smiles, not getting too close, which I respect. “Aren’t you the one who just moved in?”

I nod in confirmation and she holds her hand out for me to shake. “I’m Maru. I’ve been looking forward to meeting you!”

I smile and take her hand. “Thank you, I hope I live up to the dream.”

She laughs a bit and we separate hands. “You know, with a small town like this, a new face can really alter the community dynamic.”

“… Sorry?”

She shakes her head and laughs at my response. “It’s exciting! New things rarely happen in this town… Which is why I’ve decided I’m going to build a robot someday!”

She smiles broadly and I look at her surprised. “That sounds challenging.”

She looks at me with determination in her eyes. “You’re right, but I love a challenge!”

“Well, I wish you luck… I’m Caldere, by the way.”

“Wow! That’s such a cool name! Does it have any significance?”

I’m a bit startled at her answer. No one has ever called my name cool before. What do I say? “Oh, thank you! Um, yes actually, my mom studied space, and was most fascinated by calderas… She was going to name me Caldera, but my dad told her that it wasn’t fit for a boy, so… Caldere it is.”

She seems upset by something I said, but doesn’t actually voice it. “Well, I think both are lovely names.”

I smile bashfully and subconsciously fiddle with the end of my skirt. “Thank you, no one’s told me that before.”

She looks down at my hands and I quickly let go of my skirt, expecting her to comment on it. She looks up, surprised. “Really?—

Oh no here it comes.

“They obviously don’t know a cool name when they hear one.” I look up, surprised. She didn’t comment on my outfit at all? “Or maybe they’re just jealous. Stay with me, we can start a cool name club! No one else can join, unless their names are super, super cool. Maybe I’ll let my brother join… Oh, speaking of, he’d love your name! Both him and I are interested in space things like that. I’m very surprised I didn’t know what a caldera was! You learn new things every day!” She smiles and I just stand, shocked. From what it sounded like, she actually wanted to be friends with me?

Around this time, that annoying voice in my head would come and tell me she’s getting ready to sacrifice me to Satan, but it’s ignoring me, so I’ll have to supply it myself.

But obviously as this could potentially be my first friend, I don’t listen to myself. “Y-yeah! That sounds great!”

“Super! I’ll tell my brother about it, we can meet up sometime!”

I smile brightly and wave her off, already feeling more confident.

“Oh… You’re that new farmer boy, or whatever. Aren’t you?” I turn around and see a rather pretty girl looking at me with distaste.

I smile unsure. “Hello… I’m Caldere.”

She looks up, a bit uninterested in what I have to say, seemingly more interested in my person. “Huh? Oh… I’m Haley.” She goes back to studying me, making me squirm a bit. She leans on one hip and puts a fist underneath her chin like she’s thinking hard about something. “Hmm… If it weren’t for those horrendous clothes you’d actually be pretty cute…”

I freeze and look down at myself. My… clothes? I wear a light pink top and a skirt with flowers on it. Tears prick at my eyes. I knew it. This town is just like everywhere else. Maru is probably laughing at me right now with all her real friends. Get a load out of the queer boy who came to town with purple hair and a skirt on.

I look up again, and she seems to look startled, like she regrets her words. “I—uh… Actually, never mind.” She walks away with her head down. I think I hear a quiet “sorry” before she’s completely out of the way, but I tag it down as being my own head.

Instead of continuing to talk to anyone, I speed walk home with my head down, and my eyes damp. I throw myself into farm work, not caring about how muddy my outfit gets. I rotate between angrily ripping everything on the ground out and throwing it as far as I can, and sobbing my eyes out while lying in the mud. I keep going even after exhaustion starts to show, angry adrenalin taking over as I scream and punch the ground repeatedly, even after it gets dark and trying to accomplish anything becomes a meaningless task, as it’s too dark to see. But I don’t care.

I did this to myself didn’t I? I knew it wasn’t a good idea to come here, and it certainly wasn’t a good idea to wear ‘girl’s clothes’ on the first day here. Stupid, Stupid, STUPID!

I sigh and flop down on the ground after the tears had stopped, and my exhaustion caught up with me. I’m filthy, and feel pretty much empty on the inside. I can barely move I’m so sore, and it’s too dark to actually try and see much of anything…

I try to sit up, wincing along the way, almost collapsing from exhaustion, but pushing myself all the way up and leaning against a tree. I either have to make it to a pond, or my house… And I don’t know what side of the farm I’m on. I blindly start walking, the stars and moon slightly illuminating the area I’m in, allowing me to see a path coming up. I don’t think I followed a path to get where I am, but it’s worth a shot… I end up finding myself at a house, but not the one I was looking for. Luckily, there’s a tent with a campfire lit on top of the hill above the house, illuminating the reflection on what seems like a small lake. I walk closer and bite my lip, unsure if it’s safe to swim in this pond while it’s so dark, and I’m so exhausted. But… I look down at my grimy form, feeling mud caked all over my hair and face. There’s little chance that anyone’s out here at this time… I… Might as well, right? I walk behind a tree and quickly take off my clothes, and lower myself into the water. At least the freezing temperature served to wake me up a bit. I sigh and dunk myself under the water, feeling the mud start to come off. In theory, soap would have been a good thing to pack… I guess I’ll have to also pay the creepy mayor to get me some of that.

What does that say about me really? The only two people in this town that I’ve met who seem to tolerate me are a girl who wants my money, and a mayor who sneaks into my house in the middle of the night. All the others are probably laughing behind my back. What’s new really?

I sigh, too tired to actually feel anymore sadness tonight. I swim around a bit more, relaxing my sore muscles and trying to forget. I grab my clothes, realizing I’ll definitely need them to walk home unless I want to be known as a streaker. I scrub them as good as I can, before just letting them hang off a bush and soak in the water. Well, at least I don’t actually have any specific time I need to be up. In fact, I could just live off of random flowers and berries I find in the wood and never do anything productive ever again. I’m already bathing in a random lake, honestly not the worst idea I’ve ever had.

I practically jump out of the water when I hear someone walking to the lake.

_Wow, good job Cal, you really are quite the genius aren’t you? Skinny dipping in a lake in the middle of the night and then expecting everything to go fine, and not to actually run into anyone. Even though there’s a lit fire right there! Good job!_

I scowl at myself and try to hide as far back as I can. I thought that annoying voice was done talking to me.

_I’ll never stop. Fight me._

I would if I could, honestly.

I watch as a boy comes into picture, illuminated by the moonlight. Aw great, these towns have midnight emos… No wonder there’s a graveyard in the middle of town. Now I’ll never get any rest…

Wait, not the point right now. I need to figure out how to get out of this situation without actually alerting anyone to my presence. And of course, he chose to stand right next to the bush that has all my clothes on it.

He lights a cigarette and just stands looking at the water, deep in thought. I’ve heard about these. They’re some kind of meditation that emos go through. They look at aesthetic things and think about how awful the world is, and can’t get roused from them until they’re done.

Okay, so I can probably get close enough to nab my clothes without being seen, and then skiddlydoo out of dodge.

Taking a deep breath and lowering myself in the water so only my eyes and above peek through, I slowly swim closer to the bush, trying to keep myself as far out of his sight as I can. Finally, I reach the bush and slowly move my hand towards the clothes. So far so good, no movement. Pulling slowly, I drag the items down one at a time. First the socks. No reaction. Next the underwear. Still nothing. Shirt, belt, and finally… The skirt. I put everything on as I got it so if need be, I could easily run. Okay, okay the skirt… I’m not nervous, you’re nervous.

I breath out silently, coming up a bit to inhale through my nose, before lowering down as far as I can again, and grabbing the large flowy cloth garment that took up most of the bush. Here we go. The big moment. No I’m not stalling, or over reacting, therefor making everything 10x more dramatic than it actually is. Shut up.

… I’m telling my own head to shut up, okay just grab the skirt already. I reach to grab it, slowly, gauging the boy’s reaction, trying to figure out how I’m going to actually get out without being seen. At least I’m mostly dressed… And shoeless. Dammit… How am I ever. I leap back as I accidentally rustle the bush and alert my company. Great, now I look creepy. Borderline as creepy as the mayor. My eyes widen as he looks down as sees me, also startled a bit. I yelp and quickly dive under the water, going as low and far as I can, forgetting the skirt and shoes completely, my main goal being just trying to keep my dignity intact as well as I can. Yeah not going so well so far. I finally break surface on the other side of the bridge and jump out as fast as I can and run down the road where I came. I am going to be so sore tomorrow, oh man… I notice the emo kid trying to follow me, but obviously that only serves in making me run faster. Who knew how fast I could really run while being persuaded by the person who had the power to ruin my reputation for the rest of my days? Pretty fast.

I finally make it to my farm, my lungs not only hating me, but probably half dead as well. I make it inside my house, still dripping wet, and find a towel and pajamas I can wear as fast as I can, too tired to actually worry about creepy Lewis sneaking into my house… Scratch that, I’m putting the chair under my doorknob just in case.

Finally, I lie in bed, feeling more physically exhausted than I have in years, and quickly fall asleep.


	2. Say Hey if You're Gay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caldere has some more awkward experiences. What else is new?

I wake up to the sound of the world ending.

No wait, never mind it’s the sound of someone knocking on my door. Same thing really.

As thoughts of yesterday come to mind, I almost consider jumping out the window and trying to hitch hike back to Joja. My old life didn’t come with people who actually had an impact on me!

Oh dear, oh dear… They’re still knocking… Maybe if I stay really quiet they’ll just go away…

My eyes wide, I slowly get out of the bed, wincing at how sore my body is. It’s okay, I can do this. Just make it over to the other side of the room… Without being noisy…

I almost sob as I bump my hip into the table that takes up most of my small room, knocking off the plant and causing it to shatter on the ground.

The knocking stops for a little bit before becoming more urgent. Kill me. Just kill me now. I’m standing in the middle of the room in nothing but boxers and an oversized t-shirt, and apparently I somehow lost one sock in the middle of the night. The floor is littered in broken ceramic and dirt, and I don’t even want to know the state of my hair. My legs are arms are littered in scratches and my hands are covered in bruises and pretty much I’m a mess. But what else is new in life??

Sighing, I carefully try to maneuver around the now dangerous landscape I made of my house, before making it to the door and pulling away the protective chair I put there the night before. Here goes nothing…

I hesitantly crack open the door so only my eyes see out. Eyes that are steadily widening.

Oh no. Oh no, oh no. Emo boy. Maru. My shoes. My skirt.

My head sounds something like, _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaAAaAaa_

“Uh…” _Such eloquent language, speak more, why don’t you?_

“Caldere! Hey!” I snap my eyes over to Maru, the door still barely a couple inches open.

“Uhh…” _Why not write poetry? What beautiful wording._

“Did we wake you?” She looks a little sheepish and I finally open the door a bit more, blushing a bit at the state of not only my house, but the way I’m dressed.

“No, um, I’ve been awake for… Hours.” I cough a bit and look back towards the emo kid, feeling even more awkward.

Maru giggles. “Just doing some… House work?” She motions to the shattered plant on my floor, and I don’t think I’ve ever been this red in my life. Every single bit of blood in my body is in my face, how am I still standing?

I smile awkwardly and close the door a bit so they can’t see into my disaster of a house.

She laughs again and holds out my clothes and shoes. “Sebastian said he found these by the river, and asked me if I knew who they belonged to. Of course I said, ‘Yes! I know exactly who that skirt belongs to! Only the coolest named farmer that has ever been!’ So then he wanted me to return them, but I said, ‘No sir, we’re going together! I want you two to meet!’ So, here he is! Caldere, meet my brother, Sebastian!” She makes a big arm gesture and steps aside, making it so no one is between emo—I mean, Sebastian, and I.

I can tell we both have no idea what to say, considering he saw me swimming in the lake yesterday, then run away without pants, and is now staring at me in a similar situation, with a shirt that says, “Say Hey if You’re Gay.”

“Uh, he—I uh, hi.” He waves awkwardly and seems as if he’d rather be swallowing chunks of broken ceramic off of my floor than be here right now.

I want to die. I actually want to die. “… Uhhh,” I bet this is going very well.

“…So… You just moved in, right? Cool…”

“Yeah, uh, Sunday… I moved in… And now I’m here. So yes, I just moved in, that is… What I did…” Why am I allowed to speak?

“… Right… Out of all the places you could live, you chose Pelican Town?” Oh this poor guy, he looks like he’s trying so hard. Why am I me, kill me, strike me down now, where’s the divine lightning when you need it.

I awkwardly rub my leg with my foot and wince a bit when I scratch a scab by accident, making it bleed again. “Yea- Yes. That is also what I did, moved… To this place, because you see, my mom died—wait no that’s—my grandpa died and—I mean it’s okay! I mean not—it’s very sad and I still cry myself to sleep sometimes—what I mean to say is—um… Yeah.” I run my hand through my hair, effectively making it even more of a mess than to begin with.

I look over at Maru, and I’ve got to hand it to her, she’s probably witnessed the most painful thing that’s happened socially since the dildo was invented, and she still hasn’t run away.

“… Wow…” I look back at Sebastian and promptly want to burst into tears because this is the worst first meeting I’ve ever had.

“…”

“…”

“…”

“So… now that you guys… Uh, are… acquainted? What do you say we all go out for lunch together today?” I look back at Maru, giving her a pleading look which she somehow interprets as a confirmation. “Great! Caldere, meet us at our house, if you go up the road and keep going right for about a mile, you can’t miss it!”

I burry my face in my hands, groaning a bit as she leaves, ready to end it all and just drown myself in the little pond on the farm.

“So… See you there?” I look up again, seeing Sebastian at the end of my steps, looking up at me.

What? Is he not as mortified about this meeting as I am? “Um. Yeah—yes! S-see you there!” I grimace at myself and turn around, before awkwardly waving back and slamming the door, wanting to just burry myself in the floorboards. Before doing anything, I grab a cloth and dampen it. Luckily my water was turned on during the night, so no more pond baths for me. I clean up the scrapes and scabs on my legs and arms and try to find some sort of bandages I can use for them. Unfortunately, the only ones I can find are colorful ones that stick out like a sore thumb.

Today I decide not to risk anything, deciding on a pair of shorts instead of trying to wear another skirt. I mean, I do also wear a crown of flowers I picked yesterday in my hair… But, flowers don’t have genders, right?!

At twelve, I finally put on some shoes (not the ones from yesterday as they’re still quite wet) and start heading out. Before I do though, I check the mail, noticing I have a letter. From who? And when?

Blah blah blah, docks, uh something… Signed Willy. Someone named Willy came to my house in the middle of the night, and gave me a letter telling me how he needs to show me something, alone, in the middle of nowhere…

Honestly not any weirder than Lewis.

I sigh and stuff the letter in my back pocket, heading on my way towards where I went yesterday.

I really hope he didn’t tell her how we met the first time. Could I even call that a meeting? I mean we made eye contact kind of? Oh man why is this so painful…

Every step I take, it’s like my soul leaves me a little bit more. Good bye forever, here’s to the end of my life. Cheers.

Finally, I make it to their house. It feels like ages I stand to the side of it, actually trying to get the courage to just go inside.

I take a deep breath and finally walk a few steps, before whirling around, hearing a rustling in the bushes. Oh no, is another me walking around, tormenting the world by being naked and getting clothes from bushes?

No, it’s just an old man covered in leaves. Thank God.

Wait, that seems less than ideal for what could have been in those bushes.

I slowly back away and walk faster to the house, realizing at this point it could be between losing my dignity, or losing my life. Honestly the second sounds a little bit better but my stupid mortal fear of death is taking the decision away from me.

Welp, might as well get this over with. Not like I’m gonna live past 30 with all this stress anyways.

I take a deep breath and step in front of the door, knocking then stepping back, chewing my lip like it’s my job. After what seems like 84 years, the door opens to… Robin?

“Caldere! Welcome!” She shuffles me inside, smiling all the while. “It’s so nice for you to come, you know Sebastian and Maru were talking all about you!”

I try to smile but it comes out as more of a grimace. “That’s… cool…”

“It’s hard for them to actually agree on things sometimes, but I can tell they both like you a lot!” She doesn’t seem to notice the look that I give her, mainly saying, ‘What,’ and, ‘HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YEAH RIGHT AHAHAHAHA.’

“Demetrius—my husband—took the liberty of making you kids,” I’m 24, “some lunch! So just make yourself at home, and here we are, in the kitchen!” I stop in place, Robin behind me, hands still on my shoulders, smiling broadly as I look like a ghost who just saw the portal to hell. Sebastian and Maru sit at a table, both of them turning to stare at me right away.

Maru smiles, like Maru does. Sebastian looks awkward and hides behind his bangs, like emos do.

“Caldere, I’m so glad you made it. I like your flowers, they’re really pretty.” I smile at her and self-consciously touch the crown I’d made yesterday while punching the ground and sobbing.

“Thank you, I got them off the farm…”

“Wait, you made that?!” I blush a bit at her fascination, but nod. “That’s really cool! You’ll have to teach me how to do that sometime! What do you think Sebastian, isn’t that cool?”

I purse my lips together and blush a bit more, turning towards him.

He looks just as uncomfortable that he’d been included. “Yeah, they’re really great…” He mutters softly before looking down and up and pretty much everywhere but at me.

“… So!” I jump as Robins arms come down on my shoulders. She definitely lifts, ow. “I was thinking you guys could go out and have a picnic outside! It’s a beautiful day.”

 

“… Lovely weather we’re having!”

With a lot of fighting, borderline crying and death threats—most of them directed towards Sebastian—we’re finally sitting underneath a tree on a blanket. How nice.

I awkwardly sit, both Sebastian and Maru looking at me weirdly as I hold a juice box and fail at making small talk.

“Yeah, I’ve been in my room the past couple of days working so I haven’t been able to enjoy the sun! It’s a nice change from winter!” I almost let out a breath of relief as Maru speaks up. I’m not a small talk failure after all.

“Where I used to live, it was impossible to see the sun most days. And night was just, dark. And kind of sad. In fact, I didn’t know stars existed until third grade when we started talking about astronomy!” I blush a bit realizing I’d gotten loud, and cough a bit, looking down to somewhat shield my face. “Uh, so yeah anyways it’s nice.” I clear my throat and stare intently at my juice box.

“Really?! That sounds awful! It must’ve been so gloomy and depressing.”

I nod and look up at the clouds, honestly feeling better already from yesterday.

“Although, it does get pretty hot here. It’s almost time to start swimming!”

My head snaps towards her and I bite my tongue, wincing a bit as I bite harder than expected. “S-swimming?”

“Yeah! It’s so nice, this lake is perfect for swimming in.” I cover my face with my hands, trying to fight a blush but failing miserably. “Come on Sebastian, we can go swimming sometime, like when we were younger!” I peek out and see that Sebastian is looking not much better.

He shakes his head though. “Everyone is so happy in the sun. I don’t get it.”

Maru sighs, looking exasperated. “Because not everyone is a vampire like you!”

He rolls his eyes and looks away. “Vampire, haven’t heard that one before. What other original insults ya gonna throw at me?”

 “I’m not trying to insult you!!” Her face starts getting red and she balls her fists. “I just want us to hang out more, like we used to when we were kids! But now you barely say hi to me, you’re mostly just locked in your room doing who knows what?! You seemed okay with going to say hi to Caldere this morning and as soon as we got there, you’ve been weird ever sense!!”

His cheeks light up like Christmas lights, his blush almost glowing on his pale skin. “I’d rather not have this conversation here…” He grinds out between his teeth, his eyes quickly snapping to me, then back to her.

Hey man, ditto on that. I awkwardly sip my juice box and almost try to start whistling at the same time, but realize how bad of an idea it is, sparing myself the dribble and humiliation of spitting juice everywhere.

“Why Sebastian?! Why don’t you like me anymore?! What did I do to you?! What did Caldere do to you?! No, you know what, what did the _world_ do to you?!”

His head snaps up and I can almost say for certainty, he _snarls_. “Fine, you wanna do this here?! Ever since your dad came into the picture, I’ve always been lower than him, lower than _you_! Even my mom has started to think that, and don’t try and deny it because I can tell! As for the _farm boy_ , how can I be normal around him when I almost saw him skinny dipping in the pond?! I thought he was a _girl_ for fucks sake! I’m not against him wearing a skirt or whatever flamboyant outfits he wants to wear, but god, look at him! Is he a boy or a girl?!” He stops by breathing heavily, the silence almost corporeal

I awkwardly purse my lips and discretely look at myself in the lakes reflection, silently agreeing with him on that point. I’ve been mistaken as a girl enough throughout my life to be okay with it. Gender is fluid, and I don’t really care what people think of me. But for some reason, the thought that Sebastian doesn’t approve makes my heart squeeze in my chest. Great, another weird thing to repress.

A small sniff pulls me out of my reverie, and I realize with an electric like jolt going through my body, that someone is crying. Oh, god no, I can’t handle other people crying please, no.

Maru sits with her head tilted down, slight sniffles coming out every now and then. I look over to Sebastian and see that he looks as lost as I do. Well that’s one thing we have in common. We both have no idea what to do in emotional situations. It’s funny in a way, the fact that the boy who wears nothing but dark colors and broods in front of the moon at ungodly hours of the night, has something in common with the androgynous boy who wears bright skirts and flower crowns. I suppose mental instability can be found in anyone, no matter their outward appearance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so sorry for the wait! Yell at me if you want

**Author's Note:**

> Um? I don't even know how to excuse myself for this.


End file.
